YES!! SLASH is in the house!! Of course, I can't tell that he really did all that much "mentoring," but it still would have been freaking awesome to get to rehearse while he played.
So, on with Rock Night....also known as The Night That Danny Gokey Became Dead to Me (SPOILER!!!!)
Oh, and we're doing duets tonight....why? Oh, that's right. Because the people directing this show are imbeciles and have forgotten how to get a show in on time, so we apparently can't do two solos each. Oh, and because they decided to add a fourth judge, and the imbeciles directing this show still haven't managed to adjust this far into the season. One of these judges has to go next season. I don't care which one, as long as it's not Cowell.
1) Adam Lambert - "Whole Lotta Love": Hey, Slash gave him the same advice I gave him last week...we know what you can do in the upper register. Try doing some more in your lower register, because that is awesome as well.
He comes out certainly looking the rocker part...leather, chains, spiky hair, tons of eyeliner. Then he opens his mouth...and gives maybe the most incredible performance I've ever seen on this show. Seriously. I know I say that almost every week with him, but I really mean it this time. Just incredible....vocally, of course, but also his performance. Dude is a Bloody Rock God.
I'm so sick of people saying, "If he wins, he won't sell any albums 'cuz he's just gonna do Broadway." Um, no...he's going to do THIS. And I will be at Walmart the day it comes out.
The guy is obviously not an idiot...he makes great song choices every week, and he seems to have an excellent grasp as to how much he can get away with when it comes to his "flamboyance." You think he's going to put out an album of him just singing the soundtrack to Wicked? No, because he's smarter than that.
By the way, I would totally buy an album of him singing the soundtrack to Wicked. Shut up.
2) Allison Iraheta - "Cry Baby": My favorite Janis Joplin song, by the way. Janis is kind of underrated as a singer, I think...she had a massive range, and Allison has to start this pretty low on the verses. I think she kind of swallowed a couple of the lower notes. But when she got to the chorus, it was fantastic. This song is perfect for her voice, and I think she DID take just enough liberty with the melody, despite Simon's claim that it was "copycat." I loved this, although I am kind of nervous for her on the tour...I'm not sure if her voice is going to hold out.
Kara really got on my nerves, starting here..."Another Piece of My Heart?" Really? Cause we can NEVER hear enough of that song, right?
I liked that she kind of stood up for herself to the judges...I've never agreed with what Simon has said about her having a lack of personality. And what she said to them was good, I thought...not disrespectful or rude, just explaining why she made the choice she did.
PLEASE let her out-last Gokey. PLEASE.
3) Kris Allen/Danny Gokey - "Renegade": And here we go with the pointless duets. Seriously, what is the point in this? I can see doing this on the finale, but we're not supposed to be voting on who can handle a duet best, are we?
Anyway...in the spirit of fairness, I actually watched Adam and Allison's duet first. So this one had a lot to live up to. And...they didn't. Their harmonies start out OK, and they end OK, but the middle was a hot mess. Kris was cracking all over the place, and they are both trying to do too much riffing, which causes the harmonies to get screwed up. Also, they look VERY uncomfortable...again, in fairness, you can maybe chalk that up to them not having a dress rehearsal due to the stage malfunction, but that didn't seem to affect Adam and Allison.
After the performance and the judges' commentary, Kris looked TICKED, didn't he? He was kind of having a bad night...first, he has to perform with Gokey, then he doesn't get to rehearse, then they schedule him to sing his solo RIGHT after this (which is really unfair), then Simon throws him under the Danny Bus.
And what exactly was Danny complaining about after the performance? Dude, shut up. EVERYBODY is dealing with the same crap tonight. Stop making everything about you, as usual. This is when the anti-Danny anger really started boiling over, in case you're wondering.
4) Kris Allen - "Come Together": You know, if we had not already heard Adam and Allison, I probably would have liked this more. I REALLY liked the arrangement, which considering that I am a Beatles fanatic is saying something. I actually think it would have sounded better as an acoustic version, but he probably couldn't get away with going unplugged on Rock Week. Again, I think he took a good song and tweaked it just enough that it was a "Kris Allen" performance rather than a copy. I liked it. He still looks like a chimp, though.
5) Danny Gokey - "Dream On": UGH. Nice things first...for the first two lines he sounds really nice. Then he started running into some breath and pitch problems. Then he went into the chorus, and it just got awful. Pitch problems EVERYWHERE. Anytime he had to hold a note more than a few beats, he lost the pitch. And he says "Truuueewwww." And the screaming, my God, the screaming. Just an utterly painful performance.
And THEN, of freaking COURSE, he gets all jerky and condescending with the judges. "I'll have to watch it back"...."It wasn't THAT bad"....you know, the downside of a written medium like this one is that there is no way I can emphasize how smarmy and douchey he sounded with just words. If you saw it, you know what I'm talking about.
I predicted way back in my critique of his Top 36 performance that I would end up with an irrational level of hatred for him if he stuck around. The weird part is that what finally pushed me over the edge were NONE of the things that I thought would end up causing me to want to kick him in the teeth. He hasn't mentioned his Dead Wife in weeks, he's only been about 50% Archuletta in his song choice. I had no idea at the time that he was going to turn out to be such a smarmy, arrogant little twerp. Huh...sometimes life still finds a way to surprise you, I guess.
You know what, I forgot to mention something else that turned my boiling anger into molten lava of hate regarding Danny...that stupid part in the song where he was kind of singing along with the guitar. Ugh. Just...
I believe Michael Scott put it best: I hate so much about the things that you choose to be.
(By the way...that link to the Michael Scott quote just became one of my new favorite websites).
Oh, and then to add to my annoyance, Kara tells him he should have done some EARLY Aerosmith, like "Cryin'" or "Crazy."
Yeah....I'm just going to move on.
6) Allison Iraheta/Adam Lambert - "Slow Ride": Ahhh....this was EXACTLY what I needed to cleanse the palate. A little Fog Hat, performed by my top 2 by a MILE. Not much to say about this, other than it was just fun. They sound awesome together, you can tell they are having a great time...everything that was not good about the Danny/Kris duet, just done perfectly. I would definitely pay to see this, and I will be listening to it on YouTube on a loop until Fox takes it down.
This is definitely the most talented top 4 they have ever had...I guess the wild card/judges save/only 3 out of 12 advance stuff actually did its job.
And, of course...they STILL manage to somehow NOT end on time, causing me to miss the end of Fringe. Good LORD...how can the biggest show in the history of television have such dunces running the show? You only have FOUR PERFORMERS. How do you not manage to come in on time?
Here's how I would rank the performances tonight:
Who SHOULD be in the bottom two:
Kris and Danny
Who WILL be in the bottom two:
Kris and Allison. Because America is stoopid.
Who SHOULD go home:
Danny. Please....for the love of all that is good and right.
Who WILL go home:
Danny is going to be in the final 2, people. I plan on buying 6 more cell phones between now and then so that I can power dial for Adam on all 6.