Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Why I list Bill Simmons as one of my favorite authors

Just a few random sections from the Bill Simmons (ESPN's The Sports Guy) mailbag today:

Q: If you could have the best seats in the house for any sporting event of the past century, which would you choose?-Max A., Cleveland
SG: The only answer can be "USA 4, USSR 3." A tougher question: Which sports-movie event would you choose? I'd pick the game in which Michael J. Fox first turns into Teen Wolf. Name me a more stunning sports-movie moment. Fans in the stands are frozen for, like, 45 seconds. You're not topping the experience of being in a sparsely attended high school hoops game in which one of the players turns into a monster, then dunks on everybody. I'm sorry.

Q: If you were playing dodgeball and had first pick of anyone, who would it be? -Blake, Cedar Rapids, Iowa
SG: I'd say a QB makes the most sense, because they're used to throwing bigger balls with a quick release. So the answer should be Georgia's Matthew Stafford. That kid has a bazooka. But I'd pick Brett Favre just for the chance to make the Eric Mangini Did-Somebody-Just-Fart-in-the-Car Face after Favre singlehandedly kills my team by getting picked off two minutes in.

Q: You do realize that J.D. Drew will be the highest-paid Boston player in '09. That's a bad omen for the coming season, right?-Hefe, Manchester, N.H.
SG: Short of chicken blood squirting from the Green Monster, yes, I'd say it's about as bad an
omen as you can have.

Q: Can you guess which two jerseys the Heat have retired? Michael Jordan's and Dan Marino's. Quite a franchise.-Ian S., New York City
SG: I've confirmed it on the Internet and still can't believe it. Preposterous. Is it too late to retroactively void Miami's 2006 title? We already had plenty of ammo after Games 3 and 6 were rigged and the fans did the whole everyone-wears-white-T-shirts-to-playoff-games gimmick. Isn't this the final piece of the puzzle? I can't take it. Marino and Jordan? Why not put Don Johnson and Philip Michael Thomas up there?

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